I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
