That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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