the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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