i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am mentally ready for anal.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
