he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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