I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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