There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
