My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
