hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
