Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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