two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
