I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
