Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
