Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
