yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
