why didn't you poke me back
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
