a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
