Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
