It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
