you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
