You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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