Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
