I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
