Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
