you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
