Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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