It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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