i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
