You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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