got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
