This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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