yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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