My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
