WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize