It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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