Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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