Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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