Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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