I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize