I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
