I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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