I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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