If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
