did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
