If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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