I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
