i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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