my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
