last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
