So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
