My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
