Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
