I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
