It's Friday. Sex?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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