somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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