I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
