Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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