i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
