Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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